My friends often joke that I live on “rock ‘n’ roll standard time”. I’ve been a musician most of my life and so I keep a later schedule than most. I’ve also been self-employed my whole life, so I kind of dance to my own beat. My wallet is usually light, but my heart, for the most part, has remained full.

I recently traded in my entrepreneurial status for a “real” job. One of the places that I’ve been a contract employee for 7+ years, offered me a full-time position with benefits, etc. The outward reaction has been interesting. My older friends and parents are congratulating me as if I’m officially “grown up”—a well intended sentiment that’s actually a bit patronizing. My younger contemporaries are worried that my strong personality is going to have a hard time with corporate structure. Truth be told, I’m really out of sorts.

My sleep has been off. My purpose seems undefined. All of that is really interesting because I’m working in a place that allows me to teach yoga, functional fitness, and even work with the gardening program there. My coworkers are extremely nice and my students are some of the dearest folks in my life. If you could tailor make a job for me, this would probably be it. But there’s something about having the freedom to work at your own pace, and have the space and variety to work at different places, and interact with different personalities, that I am having a hard time letting go of.

Who knows, maybe this will pass? Or maybe this position, no matter how perfect it seems on paper, will not be as tailor-made as I initially thought. Maybe it’s simply that I’m 53, and my life choices have taken me to a place where my perceived value does not match up with the marketplace. Who knows? What I do know is, I’m trying to keep an open mind and also be in touch with with my intuitions and fears. I’ve realized through the process of writing this blog that I’m grieving. Not just around this situation, but about a lot of things. Grief is complex and difficult. I feel this in my bones.

I’ll post a yoga blog soon; this is more of a diary entry. Please know that I appreciate all of you and miss seeing your faces. Be kind to yourselves!